My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 3



Okay so maybe last night’s thoughts about Callum’s mum not being invited to the wedding were a bit harsh, but the woman does my head in. Of course she’s coming to the wedding, but that’s it. She’s not to know about our impending nuptials until she gets her invitation in the post. Callum knows how I feel about this issue. He simply wouldn’t have told his mother about our engagement when I’ve explicitly forbid such a thing.

I’m not being overly harsh here either. It’s for the benefit of her as well as me. Callum’s mum is in her sixties, she might develop heart failure if she were ever to become involved in the stressors of wedding plans. And wow do I know how much she’d want to be involved. See, the thing is, Mrs Stephenson is a widow. Her husband died ten years before I ever even met Callum. My fiancé’s dad died of heart failure, and ever since, Brenda Stephenson has been involved in, and obsessed with, her son’s life. As a matter of fact I was surprised yesterday when my phone didn’t go off once with a message from Brenda. She usually texts me around lunch time on weekdays if she can’t get hold of Callum while he’s on his lunch break, just to make sure he’s at least gone for a walk to get exercise.

Yes, of all the soon-to-be-mother-in-laws in the world, the one I’m about to be endowed with is a sixty year old personal trainer.

As I open up my little cafe for the morning I know I’m fooling myself. Callum’s mum would never suffer heart failure. She’s much too fit for a woman of her age. She made herself über healthy after her husband’s death. Callum has said as much to me. Every time I try to approach the subject of his mum’s attentions, he sort of waves me off. Not to mention the fact that he doesn’t like to talk about his father at all, but I’m sure he’ll be much more open with me after we’re married.

“Anika?” I’m astounded as I turn the door handle. “What are you doing here so early?” I ask my assistant chef who turns round as I enter the kitchen area at the back of the cafe. Anika is from Hungary and I think she’s close to Zumba Kirsten’s young age. She moved here with her boyfriend a year ago —only to be left by him and all their credit card bills— just a couple of months later. I kept her on. Of course I did! I also let her rent out the studio flat above the cafe. She’s such a diligent cook, but I do worry about her social life. The girl doesn’t seem to have any friends and I keep encouraging her to check with the local college, just to see if there’s any short courses of interest she could take.

I think she’s too shy to go on her own, so today I’m determined to take her there myself.

“I wanted to give you stupendous surprise.” Anika smiles. She’s a smart girl whose motto it is to repeat a newly learned English word of the day. Today’s gem must be: stupendous, as she looks quite pleased with herself. This is why I know she’d have a great time at the local college. Her short cropped black hair is clipped back at the brow and she dusts her hands free of flour onto her apron. “Come this way please, boss lady.”

Rolling my eyes, I follow her through to the rear office. “I told you not to call me that.” Secretly, I think Anika knows how proud I am of my own business, so I never really protest too much when she refers to me as her boss lady. It gives me a little motivational boost whenever I see her.

“Here is your stupendous surprise.” She steps aside and does indeed reveal something utterly stupefying.

Smacking my forehead I drag my hand down my face. “Don’t tell me,” I grumble. “Oliver was here.”

“Yes!” Anika enthuses. “He showed me wonderful and stupendous things this robot can do!”

Oh dear. Oh dearie me. I don’t think I like the looks of this robot one little bit. The black square chunk of metal resembles a large oven. I don’t know how I failed not to notice it as soon as we entered the office. I suppose I must have subconsciously thought the hulking dark object was a big new filing cabinet.

Anika starts speaking to the device, so I know the thing is voice activated like Zumba Kirsten’s boom box robot. Except, Anika seems to be speaking to this behemoth of a thing in her native language.

“It understands Hungarian?”

Anika nods at me and finishes what she was saying to it.

Suddenly, the object bursts into motion. A tray shoves out of the front with a cucumber on it and starts chopping away. Before I know it the robot has sliced and diced its way through all the ingredients I was going to put together for soup of the day.

“It is stupendous, yes?” Anika beams at me.

I don’t know what to say. I have to admit I am impressed, but at what price? “How much does Oliver want for this thing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“That is stupendously correct, boss lady. Mr Oliver said you need the robot help and he is stupendously kind to gift it.”

Chewing my bottom lip, I’ve got my doubts. I don’t want to upset Anika though, so I keep my reservations to myself. Why would Oliver give me this massive robot for free? It must have cost a fortune to develop at CoTechnic.

I smell a rotten fish, and I’m not talking about that one time we had to throw out a bad batch of mackerel. I’ll leave it for now, but I’m definitely returning this contraption to Oliver today. I’ll just have to tell Anika it went in for repairs or something.

Whhhrrrr.

The machine just finished blending all its ingredients inside its internal blender.

“It now stupendously will cook the soup inside blender.” Anika looks on at the slightly glowing robot. Clearly she’s impressed by the stupendous thing. Admittedly, I can’t find fault with something so helpful, but I’m still weary and determined to send it right back to the factory as soon as possible.

***



Dropping my keys onto the entrance hall table at the end of the day at home, I make my way down the corridor. “Did you ever get hold of Oliver, darling?” I’d been trying to reach the man at CoTechnic all throughout the day.

“He’s not in my department, love!” Callum bellows back to me just as I enter the kitchen. “I thought I told you that before.” He smiles at me, but I don’t return the grin.

Brenda is here. She’s sitting rigidly straight on a high stool at the counter extension. “How many times does my son have to tell you things, Emily dear?” She barks a laugh as though it will take the sting out of what she’s just said. Callum’s mum always does that. She’ll put me down with words and then laugh it off to make her statements seem hilarious, which they so are not.

“Mum.” Callum grumbles. I know he sees through her laughter too. “I might have forgotten to tell her.”

Setting down her cup of tea, Mrs Stephenson tightens the ponytail in her dark brown dyed hair. She’s always got her hair up and she’s always dressed in a track suit. The woman takes being a personal trainer to the extreme. I think she’d absolutely move into one of the rooms at the Meli Spa if they allowed it. The hotel and gym is like her second home already as it is. “Somehow I doubt that, dear.” Her tea cup tinkles onto the saucer and her voice tinkles with false laughter.

Callum clears his throat as though doing so will clear the awkward air. “Mum’s here to help with the wedding plans, Em!”

The floor seems to drop out from under me. So it’s true. I had heard him correctly last night when he said he told his mother we’re engaged.

“Um.” I mumble. “That’s… that’s…” I can’t bring myself to speak. What am I supposed to say? That’s fantastic? That’s fantastically abhorrent, more like.

“No need to thank me, dear.”

I wasn’t going to thank you, I think as Brenda hops down off her stool.

“The memories of my wedding to your father.” She pauses to look beseechingly at Callum. “That day is burned into my memory…”

Bit dramatic.

“… I’ll help you sort everything out, Emily. Starting with this.” The woman slaps my tummy.

She. Slapped. My. Stomach.

“Here you are.” I’m given a credit card sized object. “A six month membership to the Meli Spa!” She exclaims.

“Emily already has a membership at the Splash for her Zumba Zumba, Mum.”

“It’s just Zumba.” I can’t quite believe I just said that at the same time Brenda did. Irritated, I try to hand the Meli Spa membership card back to her. “Callum’s right, I’m already a member of the Splash gym.”

“Rubbish!” Brenda waves her hand through the air and I step back a bit lest she make any sudden moves towards my curved body parts. “That gym is the public urinal—”

“Mum!” Callum interjects.

“You know it’s true, Son.” She replies quickly. “Chav mums take their brats to that horrible place where the little monsters do more than just wee in that pool.” She laughs, as per…

“They’re not chav… oh never mind. I’m happy with my Zumba class though, Brenda.” I can’t help myself. When I say her name it’s through gritted teeth.

“Fine.” Scooping up her massive gym bag, Callum’s buff mum throws the heavy looking thing over her muscly shoulder with ease. “Keep both memberships and I’ll see you in an hour for your first speed bike session. We’ll whip you into shape for your wedding yet, Emily darling!”

“Oh really—”

Callum cuts me off by escorting his mother quickly out of the house. When he comes back into the kitchen I’m seething with near apoplectic rage. “You told her and now look what’s happened!” I bang the gym membership card down onto the counter. “Ow!” I cry, because that really hurt.

“Emily!” Callum rushes to my side. “Calm down, babe.”

The one thing I hate most in this world is when I’m so angry I’m seeing red, and someone tells me to calm down.

Oh! What’s the point? Taking his advice, I do calm down with a heaving sigh. “I just didn’t want your mum to know, honey. She’s so judgemental of me and—”

“She’s just going through a hard time since…”

Here we go. Since I met him Callum’s always defended his mother’s sorrow at his father dying. Even though his death seems like a long time ago to me, I’m chastised. How can I be so rude to the woman who lost her husband? I feel super guilty now. Looking up at my soon-to-be-husband as he speaks, I know I could never imagine what my own sorrow would be like if I ever lost Callum.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be!” Ever the understanding bloke, my fiancé lifts my chin with his finger. “You know Mum, she’s always just trying to help.”

I smile sheepishly up at him. I know why Callum told his mum about the wedding now. “Did you tell your mum about the wedding so that she’d stop calling you at work?”

“How very dare you? My cheeky little love.”

I grin widely as he leans in and kisses me on the teeth. When he pulls away I continue to smile. “I’m just winding you up, because I think you deserve it now and then.”

He squints his eyes. “Do I?”

This time when I kiss him it’s for real, and as tooth free as possible. Wrapping my arms around his neck I whisper into his ear. “You’re a star looking out for your mummy the way you do.”

Callum wraps his arms around my not very slender waist and squeezes me tight. My previously control underwear squished body only protests slightly. I’m just hoping I can work up as much sympathy for my beloved’s mum too, because I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of her right up until our wedding day. If it means she’ll be less sad about losing her own husband, then of course I’m going let her get involved in our nuptials.

Besides, it really will mean Brenda will have less time to bother Callum at work, whether he admits to this fact or not.

***



I honestly can’t believe I’m doing this to myself. As if I didn’t suffer enough yesterday when being pummelled into very tight clothing indeed. Now I find I’m willingly at the gym for a cardio session on stationary bikes.

I hate bikes. The thing I love about Zumba is that it’s dancing in attempts at getting fit. All the other machines at the gym put me right off exercise. They’re torture devices, in my humble opinion.

As I walk into the posh Meli Spa I zip my new membership card through the entrance turnstile. A few bleeps happen on the panel and I’m reminded of the hulking robot I really need to dispense with back at the cafe.

“Emily!” Talking of which, Kirsten is heading down the wide gleaming corridor towards me with her chrome bot floating alongside. “What are you doing here?” She asks me when she approaches. The shiny machine by her side hums and whirs to a halt.

What am I doing here? I could ask her the same thing. So I do. “Do you work here too?” I’m wondering when this girl finds the time for her uni studies.

“Yep!” She bounces on the heel of her trainers. “I do Zumba here part time too, but you just missed my class.”

“Oh no, no, no. Definitely no.” Kirsten raises her eyebrows at my no-ness. “Sorry, hun. I’m not here for more Zumba. I get enough of that at the Splash already!” Leaning closer I whisper to her conspiratorially. “I’m here for the bike class, against my wishes.”

“And this is a big secret because?”

Darting my eyes around I make sure Brenda hasn’t arrived yet. I wouldn’t want her to overhear our conversation and get her feelings hurt. “Because I don’t want to be here at all, that’s why.”

Kirsten’s brows lower and she frowns. “Have you been here before?”

“No. Why?”

“You say you don’t want to be here, but trust me when I say you won’t want to leave after your class!” Now it’s my turn to frown as I have no idea what the girl is talking about. Kirsten notices the scowl on my face. “You do know you’ll get to use the spa facilities after your class, right Emily?”

As a matter of fact I didn’t know that. I’ve heard of the astounding sauna and treatment rooms at the ‘adults only’ Meli Spa. I’ll bet no one shits in the pools here! Not that I’ve ever actually witnessed a floater in the water at the Splash for myself. Thankfully.

From the moment I shake my head, no, Kirsten becomes extremely excited. “Let me show you then!” She grabs my hand and whistles at the robot. “Come on, Stevie!”

She pulls me along the pristine white corridor. “Did you name that robot?”

“What…? Oh!” Kirsten finally lets go of my hand. “Yeah, I named it.” She looks at the robot as it floats beside us, chrome exterior gleaming and the little lights around its speakers glowing dimly. “He’s now Stevie the stereo bot.”

I giggle slightly as we enter the spa area. “Wow.” Is all I say. It’s all I’m sure I need to say, because Kirsten can detect my amazement at the place.

“Incredible, innit?”

“Pah!” I snort. “I see you’ve picked up a bit of local lingo.”

Kirsten laughs. “Yeah, innit bruv!”

I wink at her then gaze around. The spa and pool area is exquisite. No wonder kids aren’t allowed here. I don’t mind the squealing children who frequent the Splash gym, but here, I can see how I’d be able to achieve an inner calm for myself.

“I think you’ve been listening to too much London rap music on your Stevie bot.” I point at the robo-stereo and I swear it chirps electronically at me in reply. “Weird,” I mumble under my breath.

“Say what?”

“Oh it’s nothing, I just…” I pause and lean toward little Stevie for a better look. “Don’t you think these robots are kind of creepy? They’re so technologically advanced.” I can see my reflection in Stevie’s shiny surface. It’s kind of like peering at the outer side of a spoon. My reflection is distorted and my nose looks huge. “These bots seem way ahead of their time.”

“I think Stevie is way cool.”

When she says this there’s a scowl on Kirsten’s face, not a smile. Standing straight, I look away from Stevie. “I’ve got a bot at my cafe now.”

Kirsten’s scowl deepens, but her words betray her features when she replies. “Oh, right… yeah that’s awesome, Emily.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been trying to get hold of Oliver all day to return the damn thing.” Suddenly, without warning, Stevie bot moves toward me and then next thing that occurs seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

I’m shoved over the edge of the pool.

Splash!

I go down into the water fully dressed in workout wear. When my head bubbles to the surface I’m frantic and spluttering. I can see through the hazy film of water over my eyes and the next instantaneous occurrences seems to happen at the rate of a nano-second.

In other words, Kirsten isn’t quick enough to stop the Stevie bot from splashing into the same pool I’m standing in.

Zap!

I no longer have to wonder if that little menace of a robot runs on electricity because I know it in my heart when it stops beating. The surface of the swimming pool lights up in a glowing blue flash, my life flashes before my eyes and I sink into the water realising I’ve just become the thing in swimming pools I abhor…

… I’m a floater.

***



Sound rushes in. I feel as though I’m waking from a dream, except I don’t remember any nightmares. Especially no dreams about walking on my boobs. Thankfully.

Who? What? Where? Why?

I’m so confused. When did I go to bed?

Oh. I’m not in bed. I’m lying on a very hard floor. “Oooohhh,” I moan and my hand flies up to my forehead. “Where am I?”

“Emily!” The sound of Kirsten’s voice penetrates my hearing at a rate of knots. “You’re safe on the floor. You’re not in the water. Damn that stupid robot!”

“Calm down, miss.” A different voice says. It’s a male voice and when I open my eyes my suspicions are confirmed. There’s a boy of Kirsten’s age leaning over me. His hair is blonde and dripping wet. “Everyone please disperse!”

Glancing around I notice who he’s talking too, even though he’s keeping his eyes on me. A crowd of people in swimsuits, some wearing white robes and towels. They all surround me and none of them seem to be dispersing at all. They just keep staring down at me.

“What happened?” I mumble again.

“Stevie pushed you into the pool, Emily!” I blink and turn my head to the side just as she kicks the boombox robot. “Stupid thing could have killed you with its electric shock!”

“Miss, please.” The blonde boy says. I presume he’s talking to Kirsten, but he’s still keeping his eyes locked onto me. It’s getting kind of creepy, to be honest. “You’re not helping keep her calm.”

“Calm?” Kirsten screeches. “How can anyone stay calm at a time like this? My friend almost died!”

Oh dear. I’m having trouble processing my thoughts and I’m inclined to agree with the staring blonde. Kirsten’s shouting is doing my head in much worse.

“Miss Blythe.” Someone knew has approached. It’s a man in a dark business suit. “You will calm down or you’ll have to leave the spa.”

The spa?

Of course the spa. The Meli Spa.

I know where I am. I know why I’m lying on the hard, wet floor. I’m next to the swimming pool that I almost died in!

Sitting bolt upright I nearly smack foreheads with the staring teenager. “Your robot did almost kill me, Kirsten!” I freak out and words tumble from my mouth. “Stevie is a bad robot! A very, very bad robot! It pushed me in. It totally pushed me…”

Madness ensues. The blonde boy tries to calm me with words, but his face is so close to mine it only unnerves me further. Kirsten is complaining to her suit wearing boss and all the gathered spa goers look on with interest.

Only the sound of approaching sirens outside snaps me out of it.

“Did someone call an ambulance?” Turning my head I look out the window just as flashing lights whizz by on the street.

“I did.” Blonde boy whispers, but he’s so near my ear I hear him perfectly well. “Well,” he adds. “I had another member of staff call for an ambulance after I rescued you from the water.”

Pushing my head back, I stare at the wet blonde boy in surprise. “You saved me from drowning?” He nods in confirmation. “But how? Didn’t that robot completely electrify the water?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Now he shakes his head. “I had to do my duty as lifeguard when you went under.”

I’m about to thank the boy when I notice Kirsten has stopped arguing with her boss. Turning my head I notice two paramedic men approaching.

“Oops, gotta go.” Suddenly, I spring to my feet. I’m a little dizzy once I’m standing, and I slip in my wet trainers a bit. Once I blink a few times though, I’m perfectly all right. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself internally because there’s no way I’m going back to hospital with those paramedics. Not when I was just there yesterday for a false alarm heart attack. I’ve had enough of being embarrassed by near drowning tonight, I’m not about to end up at the same hospital where the medical staff probably all think I’m a raging hypochondriac.

***



Five minutes later I’ve managed to talk my way out of going for an ambulance ride with the paramedics to the hospital. I’m making my soaking wet way through the front lobby area when the shouting of my name halts me in my sodden steps.

“Where are you going, Emily?”

Turning round I come face to face with the woman whose fault it is I even came here tonight in the first place. I don’t care how posh and wee free the pools are here at the Meli Spa, I’m never coming here again. Even if it was the robot’s fault for my near drowning, I just want to leave the premises asap.

“Oh! Why are your workout clothes soaking wet?”

“She drowned, Brenda!”

Of course Kirsten knows my husband’s mother, they both work here.

“I saved her.” To my right blonde boy has approached. He puffs up his bare chest with pride.

“I didn’t drown.” I rub my forehead in frustration. “I’m fine. I just want to get home and get changed.”

“Please, Miss!” The spa manager comes running up. “Let us sort you out with a dry dressing gown at least.”

Scraping my hand down my face, I blink. And then I blink again in surprise.

Blink, blink, blink go my eyelids as a blinking and flashing light up spa robot comes floating towards me. It’s another white number like Lara’s bridal bot, except this thing is definitely not shaped like a wedding bell. It’s a large white block and as it nears me a robot arm extends gripping towels and a comfortable looking robe.

No! I must not succumb to the allure of such luxuries. Kirsten’s robot malfunction nearly cost me my life by pushing me into the pool. Whatever’s wrong with her bot might happen to my own and as far as I’m concerned the robot at my cafe is going straight back to Oliver tomorrow. Even if I have to drag the thing to CoTechnic myself.

“Um…” I mumble and take a step back towards the exit. “I’m fine really, I just need to get home.”

Everyone practically charges toward me. Brenda starts complaining that I can’t get out of exercising so easily as drowning. Kirsten is apologising for her stupid robot. The manager looks concerned as he nears with his huge spa bot, and the lifeguard lad is still pressuring me to go to hospital.

There’s nothing else for it really. If I’m ever going to get dry I’m just going to have to leave.

So that’s what I do. I turn around and head straight out the large sliding glass doors. I don’t hear any chatter behind me and I’m assuming I’m not being followed. I make it to my car without any further fuss, hop in and the second I sit down, lifeguard lad joins me in the passenger seat.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing?” I gape at him.

“If you won’t go to hospital I’m going to make sure you get home safely.” He looks at me with big blue eyes and I’m beyond creeped out by this kid.

“You actually just got into my car.” My voice doesn’t begin to describe the outrage I feel within. “Get out immediately or I’ll have you arrested for… for…” I can’t think of anything off the bat, I’m so flabbergasted at the audacity of this teenager. “Just get out of my car!”

Of all the reactions I could ever expect from a crazy lad, a smile isn’t one of them. And that’s exactly what he does. He grins at me. “Okay,” he says.

Next thing I know he’s hopped out of his seat. After the bonkers teenager shuts the passenger side door, he starts waving at me.

I don’t even…

I can’t…

My mind is having trouble processing everything that’s occurred tonight, so it takes me a few seconds to shift gears. Once I snap back into reality I’m off. I peel out of the Meli Spa carpark never to return. Ever. Not even if my life depended upon coming back to this posh, yet insanely staffed, place. Somehow I think the opposite of that. My life would be in mortal peril if I were to ever again pass through its spa doors.